Grounded

Don’t blame gravity

Come on, come on, focus. Kel took a deep breath, letting it out slow and adjusting his legs above the surface. Be present, be present. With those two words, stillness sunk in, nudging him closer to being in the moment. Calm. The next sentence flowed; there’s nothing you could do to change what happened.

“Are you ready?”

No. Yelling in silence, he pushed the memory of the room away and began reciting, T-minus ten, nine, eight, seven . . .

Weightless. There it was. There were only a few times in life you could truly feel it. And not the air-filled plastic strapped around your arms kind, more in the womb safely suspended, or was it more like being tossed in the air, fingers reaching for the stars while the wind ripped past you? Kel wrinkled his brow, sifting through his memories, the drop, the split second where air flowed freely across the surface of your body on a rollercoaster, complete weightlessness. That’s why he loved them, for the moments where nothing held him down.

Kel lay on his back, allowing the outline of the memory of the last coaster he rode to color in his mind, as the Florida sun sucked the moisture out of his skin and turned him into a toned, salted caramel. Eyes shut, he searched for his favorite sound he longed to hear up close, but for now, he would listen for it while enjoying Mother Nature’s Zero-G. Kel wondered, knowing the answer, “Is this what it would feel like to float up there?” While he imagined the feeling, his thoughts slid — would he ever get his chance to feel the real thing?

It had been ten years since the seal of space travel had been cracked even further, and in that time, the cap had been jettisoned, allowing the true star wars to begin. Governments and corporations now held hands to get to new stars, making astronauts household celebrities rivaling the MJs and Oprahs. The popularity of “I want to be an astronaut” steadily rose, but for Kel, he knew he belonged up there before it became the norm.

For fifteen years, he searched for ways to defy gravity and imagine leaving earth, but the only thing that came close was the ocean and it wasn’t cutting it anymore.

With his eyes shut, the buzz of jet skis speckled with laughter drifted into his ears, and for a moment, Kel allowed himself to ride the wake, wondering what his life might have been like if he hadn’t chosen space. From the time he left home, Kel had trained his body and mind to leave Earth. The Navy, flight school, and grad school had become one big blur of routine immersed in preparing for the unknown and its isolation in isolation. At ten years old, he’d decided and ignored the laughs and disbelief that came as he pursued a life untethered.

Brushing his tongue along his lower lip, he tasted the freshness of the sea and savored its echo along the walls and roof of his mouth. As the salt lingered on his tongue, its crispness clashed with the chemical flavor seeping in from his memories.

Sterile. That would be the word to describe the room, devoid of life except for the two people in it and any organisms that may have hitched a ride in.

“Are you ready?”

Kel nodded and followed with a quick, confidently nervous “yes,” aiming his mouth at what he thought of as the tiny giraffe sitting in front of him. Might as well get used to speaking into the mic, he reminded himself.

When he looked up from the tiny black foam-covered mic he’d only seen watching C-SPAN with his aunt, he looked at her for the first time.

CLICK.

“Interview commencing Tuesday, May 19, 2037, at 2:58 PM Eastern Standard Time, interviewer 051 Jamie Hill interviewing candidate 909. Candidate, please state your name for the record.”

Kel marinated on the sound of the click when the recording started. Why a click? It’s digital. He’d heard this sound before, maybe ten or twelve years ago in his uncle's garage. A boombox was the polite term for it, his uncle said, when he pulled it out of the box filled with cassettes. Kel looked at the woman across from him, studying Jamie Hill. She couldn’t have been more than two or three years older than him. She had a few hairline fractures on her practical beige face, possibly all from smiling, yet hidden by her expertly applied makeup that was so faint it was almost invisible.

Analog girl in a digital world. No, no, woman, analog woman.

Kel took a breath, brought the tips of his fingers and palms together, and spoke unshaken, “Kelvin Emmanuel Davidson.”

“Let's start with an easy one. Mr. Davidson, why do you want to be an astronaut?”

The ocean lapped at his ear, drowning the hum and vibration coming from his wrist, as the distant roar he’d been waiting for rippled through the air above, bringing a curl to the corners of his lips. Kel paused his daydream, opened his eyes to remind himself why he was here, and followed the curve of smoke as it faded. The Saker had launched on schedule, almost precisely to his calculations. Next up would be the Neo Mercury with his answer, why was he grounded?

The smell of perfectly sliced and fried potatoes hovered over the beach, wafting from the boardwalk and filling the nostrils of everyone in a ten-mile radius, enhanced only by the sun drifting closer to the horizon. Depending on who you were, you either loved zero-waste

combustion or hated it — for everyone standing between the manmade dunes, waiting on the concession stand, it was the latter.

The Stand, with its bold signage and simple menu, was the latest addition to the ten-year-old observation platform and a smart investment for the city, opening at five in the evening an hour after the first “French fry” ship was launched, which almost always guaranteed a rush of visitors and commuters. With its 1950s-styled design in honor of the decade it all started, The Stand was a perfect place for science trips, dates, and families with future explorers. Kel perched at a picnic table, sun dry only a half-hour after leaving the water, scanning the beach and everyone approaching The Stand as he picked at his hard-earned fries. He’d spent much of his life planning — no, calculating — so much that he didn’t eat food; he ate fuel. He didn’t work out; he trained. It wasn’t a study session; it was research. He’d curated and planned his life to almost every detail, but as much as he tried to prepare, he wasn’t prepared for her.

“Final question.”

Kel looked at Jamie, trying his best to hide his growing exhaustion and his awe for her stamina. How did her voice and demeanor not waver? It had been two hours and not an inflection or change. Just the same warm and inviting tone, making you feel comfortable sharing. He’d researched the interview process as thoroughly as he could, only now understanding why so little information existed about it and why the non-disclosure he signed looked more like a novel than a contract. The star wars had unleashed a tsunami of space exploration, mining companies, and other businesses to support them. Exosphere had become the fastest-growing headhunters for the stars, making them the newest gatekeeper for recruits to get to space and setting the bar so high it was almost invisible.

“Which of these animals do you think best aligns with your personality?”

Caught off guard by the dating profile question, Kel’s eyebrows twitched ever so slightly.

“These are your options: a ruby-throated hummingbird, a leopard, a humpback whale, a sloth, or a bear.”

As Kel adjusted himself in his chair to buy a fraction of time, he considered that every question had more than one answer. “What kind of bear?”

With a smile, Jamie replied, “Any kind you like.”

This question especially struck him, and with hesitation, his answer left his lips: “A leopard.” And as it landed, he felt regret. What did any of these animals have to do with space travel? Some were solitary, others moved in packs — how, why was this even a question? What were they looking for with this?

Every answer had ripples, even the silence before and after. Kel felt the waves of the ripples pressing against his chest, tightening his muscles, spreading and lingering on his shoulders. He could still feel those ripples as he scanned the boardwalk between The Stand and the beach.

“Fries,” an eight-year-old’s voice sang across the boardwalk, snatching Kel’s attention and bringing it to a mint green custom space suit that held a girl. Her enthusiasm raged through her curly ponytail, which wagged back and forth as she hopped up and down like a puppy beside Jamie. Was this happening? Kel felt his heart drop, knowing the odds of seeing her again were lower than him winning the lottery, and he didn’t gamble but had to take a shot. He imagined this moment for days, after finding her way too easily online. It was as if she wanted to be found, one social account with only images of sunset launches.

Kel stared at Jamie walking down the boardwalk, forcing down the rising anxiety in his stomach and recalling Jamie’s controlled demeanor at their interview. As she got closer, he noticed her smile and warmth was brighter outside of the sterile environment and felt his regurgitated memories subside. It had been two weeks since he’d received his better-luck-next-time letter from Exosphere with zero explanation why. Kel looked down at the future explorer in her bright suit, and considered her: daughter, sister, cousin? Who was she? He pondered this and shook it off when the little girl ran off to The Stand to order. He was finally going to get some answers.

Kel approached Jamie, squinting, walking slowly, moving as nonthreateningly as he could, and hoping not to startle her. “Hi,” he said, with his palm opened and raised in a wave that went nowhere.

But to his surprise, she replied with zero apprehension and full recognition. “Oh, hi, Kelvin Emmanuel Davidson.” It had been three months since they first met, but it felt like it was just the next day.

“I wasn’t sure it was you. Jamie Hill, right?”

“You remembered. Most interviewees don’t, but just call me Jamie.” Jamie extended her hand to Kel, and as they shook hands, she nodded at his other hand. “I see you’re a fan of the fry rocket.” He’d rehearsed what he’d say if they met again at least twenty times, but now he was drawing a blank and resorted to casual niceties.

“Best invention since Velcro! Do you live around here?”

With a knowing smile, Jamie looked at him. “No, I don’t. I’m here to watch the Neo Mercury launch. Why are you here?”

She had given Kel an opening, whether it was intentional or the natural ebb of conversation. He took it. “Same, I’ve been watching the launches all week. I took some time off after I received my rejection letter and needed some time to think.” At the time, Kel thought it was strange that

they would use paper for this and felt the same in this moment. “But you know us Planet Hoppers — none of us could be happy doing nothing for long.”

There it was, her undaunted demeanor. Not a flinch of surprise, no acknowledgment as he stood stripped in front of her. It was like she knew why he was there. “Most future Planet Hoppers do have that issue, but how’s the thinking going?” she replied.

Kel felt it this time, the game of cat and mouse, but he wasn’t sure who was who. “I haven’t figured it out yet, but I’ve been thinking the leopard meant more than I thought it did.”

“Probably.” And with that, Jamie’s attention shifted to the girl in the mint green space suit approaching. “So what did you get, Emma?” Emma’s tiny hands handed over the Disposagrow tray brimming with beautifully salted fries and mustard on the side. As fast as she’d handed Jamie the tray, Emma’s tiny hand filled with fries. “Fries, of course, silly!” Jamie nodded her head in agreement. “Emma, I would like to introduce you to Kelvin Emmanuel Davidson. He wants to be an astronaut like you.”

Emma looked up at Kelvin with the confidence and honesty only an eight-year-old could have. “That’s a long name.”

Kel directed a dampened smile at Emma. “You can call me Kel.”

With her boredom beginning to mount and becoming visible, Emma turned to Jamie, taking charge of the situation. “Can Kel join us to watch Neo Mer?” A knowing smile spread on Jamie’s face, clearly aware that Emma’s invitation was a means to an end of her boredom and Kel’s quest. She responded in her even tone, “Why don’t you ask him?”

Looking at Kel, Emma mustered all of her childlike sweetness to say, “Would you like to join us to watch Neo Mer?” Kel paused and moved his finger to his chin like the Thinker, pretending to consider his answer as humorously as he could for Emma’s entertainment. But behind his veiled attempt at humor, he felt the ripple grow. This was supposed to be a quick in and out if it happened, not an evening hangout. A “do you know why I didn’t get in?” Insert answer. A “thank you,” and then he’d walk away and evaluate. Kel mentally recited to himself, Adapt or die, adapt or die, while stroking his chin. Turning to Emma, he smiled, looking her in eyes.

“I . . . think . . . I would like to join you if that’s okay with you.” Swinging for the fence, he asked, “Mom?”

Feeling Jamie’s laughter trying to escape, Kel looked over at her. This was the first time she’d allowed anything to slip during their short interaction. Emma’s face twisted with confusion as she replied,

“She’s not my mom. Ms. Jamie is my mentor.” Emma smiled at Jamie, proud to have this person in her life, then turned back to Kel. “Now, come on, let’s go before we miss it!”

As they walked towards the stairs in silence, Emma looked up at Jamie, then Kel. “Hey, Mister Kel?”

“Just Kel.”

“Okay.”

“Why do you want to be an astronaut?”

Jamie smirked and raised her eyebrow when Kel looked over at her, amazed by Emma’s bravado.

“I’ve wanted to be an astronaut since I was six, when I saw the Falcon 9 rocket.”

Taking it in, Emma looked at him quizzically and dug her toes into the sand. “But there weren’t any astronauts on that rocket.”

Kel smiled and shook his head. This wasn’t the answer he’d given at his interview and maybe they knew using biometrics or something else. “I know, but it was the first time I saw a rocket, and it was the first time I realized that you could leave Earth.” Kel felt Jamie watching him as his pupils drifted to the corners of his eyes to remember himself sitting and staring at his mother’s iPad, watching Earth getting smaller from the rocket. “So, the next year, when I watched the Dragon take off, I decided I would have one of those seven seats. I would leave Earth, maybe not come back.”

“Wouldn’t your mom and dad miss you?” Her innocent curiosity tugged at Kel.

“They might, but my parents didn’t really think I would get to space. They thought it was silly. They actually wanted me to be a teacher So, I’m not really worried whether they would miss me or not.”

Emma nodded with a smile of finality and stopped, forcing the rest of her caravan to follow her. Then she looked up towards the rising moon and, with unwavering assurance, spoke, “I believe you can!” She turned to Jamie for confirmation and pointed at the sand in front of them and then at the sky. “We need to sit right here.”

Kel engaged the youngest member as the three-person crew spread the blue and ivory blanket over the blond sand.

“So why do you want to be an astronaut?”

“That’s easy! So I can come back and tell my mom, dad, and friends all about space. I want to be the next Purple Hair Planet Hopper. Maybe they’ll call me the Curly Hair Space Cruiser.”

Settled on the upper left corner of the blanket with the boardwalk to his back and ocean to his front, he watched Jamie and Emma setting up the go/no go countdown stream for Neo Mercury. His smile grew along his shut lips, watching the next generation of astronaut grow in front of him. He realized she would be more qualified than him when she reached his age, but she would still have to fight for her seat, maybe even harder. Kel frowned, afraid he knew the answer to his next question. Would space ever be open to everyone, or would most people remain grounded?

Staring at the horizon as the sun drifted closer to it, fighting a losing battle against a frown that sprouted in his mind, he noticed Jamie smiling at him as she left Emma giggling and reciting her way through the countdown. Jamie sat next to Kel, taking her time to get comfortable. He felt her calm and wondered if she could see his mind racing. Just as another thought began to grow when she spoke, “So, have you figured it out?”

Flashing his well-practiced but nervous smile, he responded, “Figured out what?”

“Why Emma would pass the Exosphere screening today and you still wouldn’t.” Jamie watched as Kel held himself together, his breathing quickening and a faint hue of pink rising from his neck and turning red at his ears. Her candor had caught him off guard, and the conversation had gone from happy surprise to ‘let’s do this’ faster than any rocket they had ever seen and it showed in his silence.

In the hanging silence, Jamie nodded and looked at Emma as she looked off in the distance through her AR Zoom glasses plugged into the mission control stream, then broke it. “Humpback, hummingbird, even sloth would have been better than what you picked.” Kel opened his mouth, and he turned to her, the heat of his rage bubbling its way out from the back of his throat, ready to defend his choices. But then it was gone. He looked at her, waiting for an answer, and realized she was trying to help, that it wasn’t her fault he didn’t make it to the next stage. It was his.

“If I remember correctly, you got high marks on everything except one thing, and it’s the most important to our clients.”

Finding his voice, Kel let out a demure response. “And what’s that?”

“Simple. Will they come back to Earth?”

Jamie let this question linger longer than a moment before she continued, “You’re a risk. You have nothing keeping you connected to this planet once you’re up there. No wife, no kids, no deep relationship. You’ve dreamed and worked so hard on your dream of getting into space that you forgot to have a life down here.”

“I,” Kel stopped himself as she continued.

“To them, you would be a huge investment, so they like to know where you consider home. And right now, it feels more like space.”

Kel felt the weight of Jamie’s words land like a new stone tossed in the pond. He checked himself as quickly as he could: Was that what I was feeling? Betrayal, anger, but at whom? Looking to the shore, he watched the waves crashing as the sun turned them purple, creating a million little sapphires reflecting back on the surface, dancing then disappearing, each like a moment of his life there then gone, leaving him with a new realization. The only person to be angry with was himself. How did I forget to live? The question echoed in the howls of his mind as he glared at the ocean.

In each sapphire, Kel saw the moment of his life, the choices he had made that had brought him to this beach, each one rewinding. Finding Jamie, the second flight forum, getting his rejection letter, moving to Florida, grad school, flight school, Space Force, seeing the Dragon take off and dock with the ISS.

While Kel was searching for an answer to his newest question, Emma sprang to her feet, bouncing, turning towards them, and yelling, “Up and down, 100 percent.” Then, returning to the launch with her head tilted to the sky, her bounce now a hop, she ignored the world around her. With each of her lift-offs and landings, the corners of Kel’s mouth curled. She loved space, but he could tell she loved sharing it more. Seeing this connection changed his question to: How could I live?

Jamie watched Kel walk away as she prepared to take a photo, the cooling Florida sand drifting from his skin back to Earth. He’d ended their conversation with a light smile and a “thank you.” Before he could wave goodbye to Emma, he accepted a hug from her. His smile, now peaceful and weightless, was confirmation that he’d understood Jamie.

As a gust of wind took the rest of the sand clinging to Kel’s skin, it carried the sound of faint beeps escaping his watch. Kel paused in his tracks and looked up into the night sky, waiting.

The Boom, Ba-Boom, Boom Ba-Boom of the rocket engaging traveled across the ocean. Leaving Kel transfixed with the night sky, Jamie turned to Emma, catching a split second of the mint green future defying gravity as Emma whipped off her glasses and fell back to watch the rocket take flight, her eyes wide open and face filled with the joy of possibility. And, with a smile, Jamie looked up, knowing they had launched another astronaut.